When Your Toilets Look Like This...

Another fine example of the squalor you live in despite having an on-staff building repairman, and housekeepers in your home four days a week. It really is astonishing, and it really is unhealthy. Lifting up these tiles, I discovered raw sewage underneath. The smell was overwhelming, but it really needs to be fixed and cleaned. Allowing this chronic leak is not only a health hazard, it is ostensibly a structural hazard as the fluids and accompanying bacteria and mold could surely contribute to the decay and destruction of underlying materials. Occasionally bathroom ceilings do collapse, you know. 

Looks like someone removed the bolts from your master bath toilet long, long ago and they've been rusting or oxidizing ever since. 

The toilet rocks side to side whenever someone sits on it.

Obviously been a while since that toilet bowl was cleaned. Looks like a squiggly life form is trying to emerge!

Just getting warmed up here. Notice the overall urine colored patina of the central bath toilet. Not one bit of elbow grease wasted here! Doubt that term is in these housekeepers' vocabulary!

The ochre urine color becomes more pronounced and one begins to get a feel for the way the urine interacts with the grout in the floor times. Imagine the stench! But we're only getting started!

Here we see the housekeepers' COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR CLEANLINESS even on the most conspicuous surfaces. But this is only the beginning!

This is a bit of a tease, but really these housekeepers not only don't clean under the toilet seat bolt covers, they don't even bother to clean around them! How terribly coated with urine the bolts themselves are! The sound of the crusty, dried urine coming off the grooves of bolt as I unscrewed it from the toilet to show it to you! I doubt those screws had ever been cleaned in the years since this toilet seat was screwed on! And the smell! The smell! But that was nothing compared to this next one!

Your housekeepers left feces on your toilet seat FOR WEEKS! The smell became so unbearable and traveled so far throughout your apartment that I had to say something! What on earth are you paying them to do? 
If your housekeepers are unwilling to clean toilets, 
then obviously you need a house CLEANER like me instead!

Just in case you wanted to give them some wild excuse like "the toilet seat was up," your housekeepers left these horrid gems on the side of the lid THAT YOU SEE WHEN IT IS UP! No excuses! Time to fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When Your Shower Looks Like This,..

Your housekeepers obviously have not cleaned your shower in at least a month, probably much, much longer. Is their plan simply to keep your apartment? Obviously they have no plan to clean your apartment.

Fire your housekeepers for your own health and safety. Hire me instead!

When Your Bathtubs Look Like This...

Black mold growing under your bathmat. This is where you're supposed to get clean? Really?

What's that?

What happened here? Those anti-slip pads are less likely to mold, but the scary stuff under them makes it all looks like a set in a Roger Corman horror film.

Seriously, fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When Your Sink Looks Like This...

See that black stuff in a ring around your sink? That's mold. Notice the color. It's black mold. Most mold is allergenic, but some kinds of black mold are also known to be carcinogenic. Is it hard to clean this muck off the sink? No. Just takes a paper towel and a little Ajax cleanser with bleach. Your know your housekeepers obviously don't give a _ _ _ _ about you when you see this. 

Look how much mold is behind the faucet. Know why there's more mold on the right side than the left side? Because you're right handed, and as molecules of fecal matter, urine and water fall off your right hand they feed the mold. Notice that your toothbrush is above this mess. And of course recent studies have shown that every time you flush the toilet with the lid up, you spray fecal matter and urine into the air -- and it can travel as far as six feet. Plenty of opportunities for it to land on your toothbrush by the sink. Surely not good for your dental hygiene. So put your toothbrush in the kitchen, put the toilet lid down when you flush, fire your housekeepers and hire me! 

When Your Chair Looks Like This...

Although the metal chair I picked out for you at Pier One survived when a dozen wooden chairs subsequently collapsed under you, the cushion you put on this chair has not faired well. 

Not only has it seen better days...

It's getting stuck in the chair. 

And sitting with your left buttock tilted several inches higher than your right buttock -- for several hours a day -- simply cannot be good for your lower back. I can already see how this has impacted your posture. You don't stand straight, you stand twisted. No wonder you often suddenly experience pain in your back when you swivel even slightly while standing!

So I cut the smelly old cushion off, and replaced it with stacked newspapers to create a solid surface to protect your legs from the cane seat, and covered it all with towels because it is so hot in that room with a window that doesn't open and no air conditioning. Towels are easy to wash, too. Are your housekeepers caring like this? Do they have the awareness of details, critical thinking skills, problem solving abilities, and creativity that I do? No! So fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When the Side of Your Stove Looks Like This...

Is this a photo from the Manson family archives? 

No! It's the side of your stove and counter, with filth piled on the floor!

Here's an aerial view. Batman is not going to save you. But I can. So fire your housekeepers and hire me!

It must have taken years to build up the patina of this Helter Skelter mess!

See how they clean the edge to fool you, but leave all that filth? Don't let them get away with it! Fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When Your Stove Light Looks Like This...

On the left you see the 1/8" thick grease and dead winged insects inside the light cover, with the filth on the stovetop behind it. On the right you see the side of the cover and the stovetop that I cleaned until they were so pristine you could eat off them! This is a kitchen! It's supposed to be clean and sanitary, because this is where you prepare food!

The plastic cover in place over your stove light: the left side is what I cleaned. By contrast, right side is foul with grease and dead insects. You can smell it! No wonder you have cockroaches! Fire your housekeeper and hire me!

When Your Stove Vent Looks Like This...

Looks like a honeycomb from hell? No it's your grease-laden exhaust fan screen! You're lucky the motor hasn't caught fire and burned out, as it must be hella hard to move any air through this mess! 

Apparently your housekeepers think "CLEAN FAN FILTER AND GREASE LADEN SURFACES FREQUENTLY" means "NEVER CLEAN THEM EVER, EVER."  Seriously, do they think and can they read?

This screen was even dirtier than the other one, but this is what it looked after I spent 20 minutes scrubbing it in the sink with Ajax cleansing powder with bleach. So fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When Your Stove Looks Like This...

Looks like some ghetto Chinese restaurant closed by the Department of Health? No, in fact this is in a 4 bedroom apartment on the Landmark District of the Upper East Side of Manhattan, overlooking Central Park!

Rancid meat juice, tomato sauce, noodles and rice spilled under the burners for years since 1994 when your stove was installed. 

Looks more like a crime scene than a stove.  No wonder you have cockroaches! But instead of cleaning, you housekeepers spray neurotoxic insecticide in your home!

Your housekeepers probably never cleaned this part of your stove since it was installed in 1994! On the left is all the filth they left. On the right is the area I cleaned. Fire your housekeepers and hire me!

Why do you pay for this? Seriously. 

When Your Floor Looks Like This...

Bleach damage to your wood floors wrought by sloppy housekeepers who seem to get more on the floor than in the washing machine. Fire your housekeepers and hire me!

When Your Fridge Looks Like This...

Sure, they wipe the outside. That's so easy and deceptive. Fools you into thinking it's clean! They never open up the top panel to reveal the filth that prevents the refrigerator from cooling properly.

I opened up the top panel and witnessed a hell world of dust! Mountains of dust! Your nose it just inches from this at least 10 times a day! You're breathing this crap! Why do you pay good money to lazy housekeepers who leave this for you to breathe!

The housekeepers who you've been paying to clean your home since 1994 never bothered to clean these coils. Ever! And you wonder why your refrigerator is not cooling the food inside properly?! It's because the coils are literally covered in a thick blanket of dust! The dust prevents the refrigerator from working. Your lazy housekeepers prevent your appliance from working properly!

You see the contrast between the area to the right that I cleaned and thick dust on the left that your housekeepers left.  Really, the dust is as thick as some shag carpets! And you blame God for your sinus problems! How insulting! Blame yourself for paying housekeepers NOT to clean your home!

A combination of grey dust and black filth is piled up where the housekeepers left it. To the right is the area I cleaned. So stop blaming God for your problems! Fire your housekeepers and hire me!